A deployment changes you and throughout that time (a year is a long time) my relationship to what I am doing has changed. For a long time I kept myself busy to help cope with the separation caused by the deployment. That helped for a long time. But while the Unites States government's role in Iraq is still vitally important, my role within that effort is winding down. My personal place in the building of peace is coming to an end.
One thing that is readily re-enforced throughout the deployment is my complete and utter replace-ability. Many men and women have come and gone before me.
Name(less) action officers moving the progress forward. Generals have come and gone ... and their departure has never stopped the fight. While the task at hand may be important (and at times not important) - MY doing the task is not key to the effort. If I were not here, it would be done by someone else – I am completely replaceable. In many ways, when a soldier says, "I do" in swearing the oath, they say I do not a life of personal significance, but to a life of filling the whole and filling the gaps. It is a difficult life to which few acquiesce and accept. Additionally, our military mission is never the fundamentally complete because in the end we all want peace. And peace is always accomplished by those who follow the military.
A soldier's job is never complete and we do not work with passion, rather, we work with honor, dedication, courage and discipline. But before the end, we stop - we must stop. We do not personally experience the end, for peace cannot be won with the end of a gun and the military must refrain from having a passion about killing. Peace requires building, not tearing down.
And so as USF-I moves to transition to peace, some of us are winding down our efforts. My position will not be replaced and I am turning over the last of my responsibilities (and shutting others down). It has given me time to reflect.
I really just wish I were home with Kelly and the kids. I have 43 days left until that happens and 31 days left in the Middle East. The business, the importance of the US government's role, can no longer serve a distraction or motivation to carry me through the days.
I am living in a way, somewhat quite foreign to my normal way of being – my normal intensity. I would say that I am in the deployment blues which feels like a mild form of depression.
I get up in the morning and move over to the Bean (a place just outside the coffee shop which has Wi-Fi). There I will do a mix of physics lesson planning (a recent start as I got very little of this accomplished in my first 10 1/2 months of the deployment). I find the morning is a good time as I will have some of the creative energy required to form a good lesson - one that leads actively leads the students though the steps of learning (in this case sound and light). One that is sensitive to the mistakes they can make. And ultimately one that will lead them to a correct understanding.
In the mix of the two hours I spend there, I will communicate with Kelly (either by text, skyping or phone call (via skype). It is really the highlight of my day. For Kelly, the time is after 10 pm. At times it is great and at other times she is tired from the day's work. Regardless of the mood, it is always good to connect ... although it lacks the closeness that I long for; that can only be experienced in person.
I then move back to the CHU and get dressed. I have recently started the habit of praying the rosary in the morning before heading into work. The work schedule itself is slowing down and remains uneven. Last minute taskers can take a normally easy day and fill it up. Other days leave me time to work on studying some submarine issues for my follow reserve duty. The rest of the day is powerpoint, briefs, emails and meetings. I go and work for a while and get in two meals.
Then it is back to the CHU and off to bed.
My big day of the week starts Sat at 4 pm when I head off to go to yoga. We do a 90 minute P-90X video and it is great. Following that is mass (which after the yoga is very relaxing) and dinner. It being the Sabbath, I reserve this meal for my weekly ice cream Sunday (we get 31-Flavors Ice Cream). And then I will skype with the kids for an hour - which is another highlight of the week. After that I will head off for a cigar with friends and then to bed. After sleeping until 1130 I head into work (it is really only 3 hours off on Sunday – which feels like a false day off because we still work 9 hours during the afternoon and evening).
Then the week starts again (or really the days just continue).
Peace,
Chris
